Ella was born the day before Mother's Day last year. It has been so surreal to have my first year as a mother commemorated exactly one year after I became a mother. I've been reflecting on the day, starting when I went into the labor the night before, marking what I was doing and what stage of labor I was at. Right now, at 7:12 am, I would have just gotten to the hospital and was being monitored and trying to sleep altering being in labor all night (starting at the same time as we were eating cake and ice cream last night). Thank goodness for hypnobirthing time warp.
The irony of this Mother's Day is we both have a sneaking suspicion that baby number two has just gotten settled in and is growing contentedly. A total surprise for us, but after some familiar spotting and some deja vu emotions, plus both of us "having a feeling," we are pretty sure baby number two will be here at the start of 2016. So many mother milestones all on one Mother's Day! So ironic and overwhelming, but sweet.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
Beauty of Fuller's Soap
As I've been trying to improve my scripture reading I've had to start small. No intense study plan for me; I literally flip open and read. Over and over again I've flipped to this scripture, even though nothing on the page is marked. Every time I read this verse and feel it is significant, but I don't understand. "But who may abide the day of his coming, and who shall stand when he appeareth? For he is like a refiner's fire, and like a fuller's soap." The thought that would come to my mind every time is "Who is a fuller, and what is special about his soap?" (3 Neph 24:2). I've always been too lazy to look it up, until today (It only took 20 times or reading it, give or take. Don't worry, God, I catch on eventually).
The fuller is a person who cleanses cloth before it is dyed. The soap was clay, chalk, putrid urine, or powdered ashes. The process of pounding and scrubbing the soap to remove all grim and to whiten the fabric was quite the ordeal and the soap caused quite a stench, so much so it was done outside the city walls. The process was quite extensive and what struck me most is that it was messy, and stinky, and that the cloth, to become white, took a beating.
When reading this verse again the message took new meaning. It reminded me of times when I've felt discouraged. It reminded of times when I've tried living the gospel better and life got harder. It reminded me of all those times I've felt beaten down when all I wanted was to be built up. And some thing clicked and suddenly those times seemed beautiful.
I realized that Christ, as the fuller's soap, is sometimes bitter, and stinky, and the process of following him beats us down. Not because he hates us, not because he wants to beat us down, not because he likes making our life stinking miserable, but because he knows it is what needs to happen to remove the grime and the dinginess so that we can be white and pure, and ready to be what he needs us to be. Ready for the dye to be cast as He would have it.
I'd be lying to say this makes me feel better about trials. In fact it makes me feel rather uncomfortable and makes me want to call my husband and check on my baby to make sure they are okay, worried that taking them is the trial I need to endure next. But it did make me feel better about that time I got cut down on Facebook, or felt like a failure at my internship, or felt left out and stupid, or like my life as I'd imagined it was going down the drain. I realize now that it was going down the drain, as Christ washed the grime away as a fuller's soap, and that it is opening up new possibilities that will be wonderful and splendid if I just hold on and trust that this cleansing of my life, my time, and my talents, is brining me to something that will bring unimaginable joy.
The fuller is a person who cleanses cloth before it is dyed. The soap was clay, chalk, putrid urine, or powdered ashes. The process of pounding and scrubbing the soap to remove all grim and to whiten the fabric was quite the ordeal and the soap caused quite a stench, so much so it was done outside the city walls. The process was quite extensive and what struck me most is that it was messy, and stinky, and that the cloth, to become white, took a beating.
When reading this verse again the message took new meaning. It reminded me of times when I've felt discouraged. It reminded of times when I've tried living the gospel better and life got harder. It reminded me of all those times I've felt beaten down when all I wanted was to be built up. And some thing clicked and suddenly those times seemed beautiful.
I realized that Christ, as the fuller's soap, is sometimes bitter, and stinky, and the process of following him beats us down. Not because he hates us, not because he wants to beat us down, not because he likes making our life stinking miserable, but because he knows it is what needs to happen to remove the grime and the dinginess so that we can be white and pure, and ready to be what he needs us to be. Ready for the dye to be cast as He would have it.
I'd be lying to say this makes me feel better about trials. In fact it makes me feel rather uncomfortable and makes me want to call my husband and check on my baby to make sure they are okay, worried that taking them is the trial I need to endure next. But it did make me feel better about that time I got cut down on Facebook, or felt like a failure at my internship, or felt left out and stupid, or like my life as I'd imagined it was going down the drain. I realize now that it was going down the drain, as Christ washed the grime away as a fuller's soap, and that it is opening up new possibilities that will be wonderful and splendid if I just hold on and trust that this cleansing of my life, my time, and my talents, is brining me to something that will bring unimaginable joy.
Monday, February 23, 2015
The Beauty of Friendship
I feel friendship these days has become so superficial and self-centered. Friends aren't people we care about and share our life with, they are notches in our belt as we climb the social ladder.
I've always struggled with finding friends. When I was very young I was outspoken, precocious, and very different from my peers probably because I was home schooled and didn't watch TV. I wasn't interested in the same things because I wasn't exposed to the same things. It was hard finding friends who were obsessed with pioneers, built mud pottery and liked to eat alfalfa sprouts and dates. And I was picked on it seemed by everyone in my life, adult and child alike. I was beaten down for being different and it hurt, so I hid away.
It wasn't until I was in college that I realized I had been struggling with depression from about the age of 10 and that realization didn't come until I was fighting a huge battle against PTSD and years of emotional scaring. And needless to say no one wants to be friends with a depressed, overly somber girl, and no one wants to hear about the battle you are fighting against PTSD. But in college I learned that I liked having friends. I hid my problems, I put on a happy face and I faked it till I made it. I had friends. Ward friends, Facebook friends, school friends. It was great, but I still felt like I was different and alone in my struggle. I only had one friend that supported me, built me up, encourage me to be better and loved me despite my hurt and depression. And that one friend was then replaced by my husband.
Then by a total miracle I found a friend. She was different too, but she wasn't afraid to be different. She liked many of the same things, and shared with me her interests and listened to me share mine. She forged ahead in her goal to find deeper, eternal meaning in life, and be the best she could be. By being herself she inspired and uplifted me and it has been so wonderful.
True friendship is food for the soul. It is sharing your light with another without having to be afraid of being beaten down. It is sharing your best and allowing others to do the same. It is listening and encouraging and helping. It is loving and welcoming. Friendship is a beautiful part of life and something I hope to bring back.
I've always struggled with finding friends. When I was very young I was outspoken, precocious, and very different from my peers probably because I was home schooled and didn't watch TV. I wasn't interested in the same things because I wasn't exposed to the same things. It was hard finding friends who were obsessed with pioneers, built mud pottery and liked to eat alfalfa sprouts and dates. And I was picked on it seemed by everyone in my life, adult and child alike. I was beaten down for being different and it hurt, so I hid away.
It wasn't until I was in college that I realized I had been struggling with depression from about the age of 10 and that realization didn't come until I was fighting a huge battle against PTSD and years of emotional scaring. And needless to say no one wants to be friends with a depressed, overly somber girl, and no one wants to hear about the battle you are fighting against PTSD. But in college I learned that I liked having friends. I hid my problems, I put on a happy face and I faked it till I made it. I had friends. Ward friends, Facebook friends, school friends. It was great, but I still felt like I was different and alone in my struggle. I only had one friend that supported me, built me up, encourage me to be better and loved me despite my hurt and depression. And that one friend was then replaced by my husband.
Then by a total miracle I found a friend. She was different too, but she wasn't afraid to be different. She liked many of the same things, and shared with me her interests and listened to me share mine. She forged ahead in her goal to find deeper, eternal meaning in life, and be the best she could be. By being herself she inspired and uplifted me and it has been so wonderful.
True friendship is food for the soul. It is sharing your light with another without having to be afraid of being beaten down. It is sharing your best and allowing others to do the same. It is listening and encouraging and helping. It is loving and welcoming. Friendship is a beautiful part of life and something I hope to bring back.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Mommy Wars
This is a not beautiful part of life, and I wasn't going to ever write about un-beautiful parts of life on this blog, but I need an outlet and I need to feel like I'm talking this out with something a little more intimate than a Word document. Judge me if you must for being negative, you currently nonexistent reader.
So I'd heard about Mommy Wars before I became a mom and I thought it was so silly and wondered who on earth would get caught up in something so ridiculous. A 'war' based on judging people for doing things differently than you all in an attempt to prove you are doing it better? How ludicrous. And why would anyone care how someone else is raising their kid? Its their kid! I've got enough to worry about without worrying about how someone else is living their life! Then I became a mom.
EVERYTHING IS WAR WORTHY! Disposable or cloth? Breastfed or formula? Cry it out or rescue? Solids before or after 6 months? Tylenol or amber teething necklace? Natural or epidural? Vaccinate or not? Every little decision you make as a mother seems to be judged by someone else! Mainly other moms (or maybe its all in our heads) but the more I associate with other moms I'm thinking that mommy wars are real and are just as ridiculous as I originally thought pre-baby.
I concluded this after a friend invited me to join a mommy Facebook group. I thought it would be nice to interact in a group of other moms and get feedback and maybe meet some new friends. I really enjoyed interacting on the group and occasionally feathers seemed to get ruffled but for the most part people were content to throw their opinions out there and let the chips fall where they may. I thought that was a great quality of the group and was impressed that these moms didn't really seem to care what you did, they were just there to share insight and support. Awesome.
I felt comfortable enough I decided I was going to ask for some help with a dilemma I'd been facing as a mother, friend and dietitian. Because I'm a dietitian I know how important breastfeeding is. Because I'm a mother I know how much mothers want to do the best for their baby. Because I'm a friend I want to share the information I know as a dietitian to help other friends do the best for their baby. I've noticed that a lot of people don't even think twice about giving formula even though it really has some serious negative long term health implications. I didn't even realize this until recently when I looked into it more to make some decisions about my baby's diet, and I'm a dietitian! After I did I was astounded that more moms don't know this stuff and that formula is tossed around so casually! Because of this whenever someone is considering giving their baby formula I want to let them know that it is not a decision to take lightly and tell them what I've learned. However, I have no idea how to do that. So I thought I'd ask the nice, supportive mom group to give me their thoughts. Ha!
No one even responded to it and I felt a little bit like I'd got the cold shoulder or maybe it just didn't get seen. Then I realized I had this message in my inbox.
Hey girl,
I deleted your post because it is a VERY sensitive topic to a lot of moms in that group and I don't want those who do formula feed to say mean things to you about it because moms already have guilt as is knowing they had to feed their babies formula (i'm one of them). I don't want it to start any drama though because I know your intentions were all good!
So I'd heard about Mommy Wars before I became a mom and I thought it was so silly and wondered who on earth would get caught up in something so ridiculous. A 'war' based on judging people for doing things differently than you all in an attempt to prove you are doing it better? How ludicrous. And why would anyone care how someone else is raising their kid? Its their kid! I've got enough to worry about without worrying about how someone else is living their life! Then I became a mom.
EVERYTHING IS WAR WORTHY! Disposable or cloth? Breastfed or formula? Cry it out or rescue? Solids before or after 6 months? Tylenol or amber teething necklace? Natural or epidural? Vaccinate or not? Every little decision you make as a mother seems to be judged by someone else! Mainly other moms (or maybe its all in our heads) but the more I associate with other moms I'm thinking that mommy wars are real and are just as ridiculous as I originally thought pre-baby.
I concluded this after a friend invited me to join a mommy Facebook group. I thought it would be nice to interact in a group of other moms and get feedback and maybe meet some new friends. I really enjoyed interacting on the group and occasionally feathers seemed to get ruffled but for the most part people were content to throw their opinions out there and let the chips fall where they may. I thought that was a great quality of the group and was impressed that these moms didn't really seem to care what you did, they were just there to share insight and support. Awesome.
I felt comfortable enough I decided I was going to ask for some help with a dilemma I'd been facing as a mother, friend and dietitian. Because I'm a dietitian I know how important breastfeeding is. Because I'm a mother I know how much mothers want to do the best for their baby. Because I'm a friend I want to share the information I know as a dietitian to help other friends do the best for their baby. I've noticed that a lot of people don't even think twice about giving formula even though it really has some serious negative long term health implications. I didn't even realize this until recently when I looked into it more to make some decisions about my baby's diet, and I'm a dietitian! After I did I was astounded that more moms don't know this stuff and that formula is tossed around so casually! Because of this whenever someone is considering giving their baby formula I want to let them know that it is not a decision to take lightly and tell them what I've learned. However, I have no idea how to do that. So I thought I'd ask the nice, supportive mom group to give me their thoughts. Ha!
No one even responded to it and I felt a little bit like I'd got the cold shoulder or maybe it just didn't get seen. Then I realized I had this message in my inbox.
Hey girl,
I deleted your post because it is a VERY sensitive topic to a lot of moms in that group and I don't want those who do formula feed to say mean things to you about it because moms already have guilt as is knowing they had to feed their babies formula (i'm one of them). I don't want it to start any drama though because I know your intentions were all good!
Sorry again that I had to delete it. I hope you understand! Glad to have you apart of the group!
Key words being "mean things" and "drama." So much for a supportive mom group that is there to share insight and support. Its all a rogue. Asking about wether it is better to try and politely share knowledge or just not say anything when you have a friend considering formula is going to cause drama? Now, I don't have my original post to the group (obviously) so maybe my wording didn't convey what I was asking, but I was under the impression that I'd get some moms saying things like "Its none of your business so just don't say anything" and other saying "I think its important to share if you know something that will help another parent" and that I could gain some insight into how other moms feel about sharing knowledge with another mom. Apparently not because anything controversial can't be talked about without mean words and drama.
So I conclude that mommy wars are real. They are fueled by insecurity, doubt, and guilt. Other moms being insecure in the way they do things so they have to attack anyone who does things differently. Or is it maybe that mommy wars are just good intentions gone wrong like my comment? Who knows, but either way I've realized I need to spend more time being a mom and less time on superficial Facebook groups.
PS
I am not mad that she deleted my comment so that people wouldn't say mean things and be dramatic. I do not think her not was mean or rude in anyway. I am just very disappointed that she apparently has no faith in other moms and their ability to discuss this topic in a polite way which leads me to believe mommy wars are real.
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