So I'd heard about Mommy Wars before I became a mom and I thought it was so silly and wondered who on earth would get caught up in something so ridiculous. A 'war' based on judging people for doing things differently than you all in an attempt to prove you are doing it better? How ludicrous. And why would anyone care how someone else is raising their kid? Its their kid! I've got enough to worry about without worrying about how someone else is living their life! Then I became a mom.
EVERYTHING IS WAR WORTHY! Disposable or cloth? Breastfed or formula? Cry it out or rescue? Solids before or after 6 months? Tylenol or amber teething necklace? Natural or epidural? Vaccinate or not? Every little decision you make as a mother seems to be judged by someone else! Mainly other moms (or maybe its all in our heads) but the more I associate with other moms I'm thinking that mommy wars are real and are just as ridiculous as I originally thought pre-baby.
I concluded this after a friend invited me to join a mommy Facebook group. I thought it would be nice to interact in a group of other moms and get feedback and maybe meet some new friends. I really enjoyed interacting on the group and occasionally feathers seemed to get ruffled but for the most part people were content to throw their opinions out there and let the chips fall where they may. I thought that was a great quality of the group and was impressed that these moms didn't really seem to care what you did, they were just there to share insight and support. Awesome.
I felt comfortable enough I decided I was going to ask for some help with a dilemma I'd been facing as a mother, friend and dietitian. Because I'm a dietitian I know how important breastfeeding is. Because I'm a mother I know how much mothers want to do the best for their baby. Because I'm a friend I want to share the information I know as a dietitian to help other friends do the best for their baby. I've noticed that a lot of people don't even think twice about giving formula even though it really has some serious negative long term health implications. I didn't even realize this until recently when I looked into it more to make some decisions about my baby's diet, and I'm a dietitian! After I did I was astounded that more moms don't know this stuff and that formula is tossed around so casually! Because of this whenever someone is considering giving their baby formula I want to let them know that it is not a decision to take lightly and tell them what I've learned. However, I have no idea how to do that. So I thought I'd ask the nice, supportive mom group to give me their thoughts. Ha!
No one even responded to it and I felt a little bit like I'd got the cold shoulder or maybe it just didn't get seen. Then I realized I had this message in my inbox.
Hey girl,
I deleted your post because it is a VERY sensitive topic to a lot of moms in that group and I don't want those who do formula feed to say mean things to you about it because moms already have guilt as is knowing they had to feed their babies formula (i'm one of them). I don't want it to start any drama though because I know your intentions were all good!
Sorry again that I had to delete it. I hope you understand! Glad to have you apart of the group!
Key words being "mean things" and "drama." So much for a supportive mom group that is there to share insight and support. Its all a rogue. Asking about wether it is better to try and politely share knowledge or just not say anything when you have a friend considering formula is going to cause drama? Now, I don't have my original post to the group (obviously) so maybe my wording didn't convey what I was asking, but I was under the impression that I'd get some moms saying things like "Its none of your business so just don't say anything" and other saying "I think its important to share if you know something that will help another parent" and that I could gain some insight into how other moms feel about sharing knowledge with another mom. Apparently not because anything controversial can't be talked about without mean words and drama.
So I conclude that mommy wars are real. They are fueled by insecurity, doubt, and guilt. Other moms being insecure in the way they do things so they have to attack anyone who does things differently. Or is it maybe that mommy wars are just good intentions gone wrong like my comment? Who knows, but either way I've realized I need to spend more time being a mom and less time on superficial Facebook groups.
PS
I am not mad that she deleted my comment so that people wouldn't say mean things and be dramatic. I do not think her not was mean or rude in anyway. I am just very disappointed that she apparently has no faith in other moms and their ability to discuss this topic in a polite way which leads me to believe mommy wars are real.
